It’s kinda hard to judge a screenplay by watching the resultant film without reading the actual screenplay. But I’ll do my best here to strip away the director’s gorgeous choices, the actors’ brilliant human touches, and the rest of the crew’s awesome work, so I can focus on the movie’s spine: the script. (Keep in mind I have not yet seen the usual late-in-the-year Oscar bait, such as Precious, Up in the Air, or Nine, or highly praised smaller movies, like The Hurt Locker.)

Below is my list of 2009′s Best Produced Screenplays:

1. Up
Written by Bob Peterson & Pete Docter
The first three on my list are all running neck and neck and neck for the top spot, but ultimately, I had to give it to Up, this funny, emotional, unpredictable, and technically brilliant animated film from (where else?) Pixar Studios. It has everything a near-perfect screenplay should have: real (and really flawed) characters, realistic (yet witty) dialogue, strong (and strongly motivated) villains, and a believable character arc (there’s two actually, one for each of the main characters). Who knew a cartoon about a senior citizen and a chubby kid in a balloon-powered floating house would be so riveting?

2. District 9
Written by Neill Blomkamp & Terri Tatchell
“Wow.” That was my first impression after seeing this movie. Smart on so many levels and wholly different from anything Hollywood could ever hope to produce, District 9 is a ticking time-bomb of a story: it starts off like a real-life documentary about alien refugees, sprints off like an action movie on fire, and ends with one cataclysmic sci-fi bang that leaves you blown away.

3. Avatar
Written by James Cameron
James Cameron’s screenplay for this year’s most anticipated film and history’s most expensive movie ever is by no means subtle. But it does exactly what a good script should do: act as the solid blueprint for an amazingly sound yet beautiful cinematic monolith to be built upon. From paying off small first-act setups to putting a 22nd-Century twist on cliched elements, the Avatar story is breathtaking, intense, and otherworldly — it reminds us of the very reasons we go to the cinema in the first place.

4. Star Trek
Written by Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman
Director J.J. Abrams is a pop-culture God. Just look at his recent credits. And his re-imagining of the original Star Trek series was a pretty damn good balance between appeasing the Trekkers and Trekkies (depending on your level of geekdom) and telling a suspenseful, witty, and action-packed sci-fi opera for the newbies. But it’s really the screenwriting duo of Orci & Kurtzman who should share in the glory. Though their screenplay has a few flaws ([spoiler until the end of the parenthesis] why the Hell does Kirk go from ensign to captain of the Enterprise in less than a day???), its solid structure is what allowed Abrams to pull off the sacrilegious move of remaking a classic.

5. Inglourious Basterds
Written by Quentin Tarantino
This historical fantasy made a big splash because it was Quentin Tarantino’s return to form, his entree back into pop-culture consciousness after the dismal performance of his half of Grindhouse, Death Proof. Unique anti-heroes (a band of covert U.S. Army Jews infiltrating Nazi-occupied France), long-winded monologues, and the most delicious villain we’ve seen in a long time. Sure some of his scenes needed to be trimmed (the pub scene was way too long!) and the alternate-history ending didn’t sit well with me, but overall, Inglourious Basterds was one of the most unique screenplays of the year and one of the most enjoyable movies.

6. Taken
Written by Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen
A stellar example of how a script with a simple premise -– Liam Neeson plays an ex-CIA agent who must find his daughter’s kidnappers in France -— can result in a tight, suspenseful thriller so long as the execution is done right.

7. The Hangover
Written by Jon Lucas and Scott Moore
There was no single funnier movie in 2009 than The Hangover. Lucas and Moore take the tired “bachelor party in Vegas” subgenre, put a subtle Memento-like slant on it, and deliver one of the most jaw-droppingly, surprisingly hilarious films of the year.

8. The Blind Side
Written by John Lee Hancock
I usually don’t fall for the based-on-a-true-story, tear-jerking, feel-good dramas, but this Sandra Bullock-starring football movie took me by surprise. Why? Because the screenplay had well-rounded characters and a simple but effective plotline — all causing you to empathize with the main character. An effective family-friendly drama if ever there were one this year.

Honorable Mentions:

• Paranormal Activity
• I Love You, Man
• Watchmen
• The International

He uses a true story to help explain why professional screenwriters should not be asked to do anyone the favor of reading their screenplay and why most people can’t write.

You should definitely check out the full story here, but below is a brilliant excerpt from it:

And the truth is, saying something positive about this thing would be the nastiest, meanest and most dishonest thing I could do. Because here’s the thing: not only is it cruel to encourage the hopeless, but you cannot discourage a writer. If someone can talk you out of being a writer, you’re not a writer. If I can talk you out of being a writer, I’ve done you a favor, because now you’ll be free to pursue your real talent, whatever that may be. And, for the record, everybody has one. The lucky ones figure out what that is. The unlucky ones keep on writing shitty screenplays and asking me to read them.

Just plain true and superbly written at the same time.

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen is one of the most disappointing movies of the year, let alone of the summer. As an OTF (Original Transformers Fan), I felt the film had none of the first movie‘s charm, unpredictability, or humanity. Not that the original film was the greatest sci-fi movie ever made; it was flawed, to be sure, but it was a fun popcorn flick with at least a semblance of some brains.

But the second time out, director Michael Bay loads up on the illogical and overlong combat scenes and forgets to bring some heart, smarts, and uniqueness. Perhaps even more sad is the fact that the screenwriters — Ehren Kruger and the writing team of Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman — decided to take a nosedive in the quality category.

In terms of basic movie writing, their script is far inferior to the original movie’s story. The opening 20 minutes or so have nothing to do with the main thrust of the story and is nothing more than an excuse for Bay to blow up more stuff, show star Shia LaBeouf in a cheesy “comedic” introduction, and exploit hot female lead Megan Fox in various suggestive poses. The rest of the screenplay is filled with predictable “twists,” forced humor, and a buttload of useless violence.

In terms of adapting a beloved pop-culture franchise, the trio fails miserably. The introduction of the Fallen (a Decepticon ancestor stuck on Earth) and his revenge plot is a bad attempt at rewriting Transformers lore that leads to little innovation and a whole lot of sound and fury that signifies nothing. And the main protagonist, Shia’s Sam, has little or no character development. And various new Autobots and Decepticons are poorly adapted from the original toyline and cartoon. For example, new Autobots Skids and Mudflap have little to do with the previous incarnations that share their names and, worse off, are racist caricatures with their jive talking and minstrel-like stupidity.

This is all especially bad when considering that Orci and Kurtman wrote the steller Star Trek redux and Kruger has penned such great fare as The Ring and Arlington Road.

What happened? Where did Revenge of the Fallen go oh so wrong?

Well, Bay is much to blame. Don’t get me wrong, I love The Rock. But let’s be honest. Bay’s not known for highly intelligent movies.

But the true missing link? John Rogers. He wrote the script for the first Transformers movie, which was later rewritten by Orci and Kurtzman. His absence is sorely missed here. Aside from being a talented writer, he — like me — is an OTF. He knew how to take the coolest parts of the toy line and a kids cartoon from the ’80s and translate that into 21st-Century coolness.

Surprisingly, I find myself totally agreeing with Roger Ebert on all his points regarding this sequel, though he did give the movie a 1-out-of-4-stars rating (or 25% approval), whereas I would give it a slightly higher 2-out-of-5-stars rating (40%).

Revenge of the Fallen is not a boring movie, it’s just not the movie it should have been.

Here are some additional fanboy gripes. ALERT: Keep in mind they contain spoilers.

• Why the Hell Does Prime Have a Mouth???
  Optimus Prime has never had a mouth in any of his many incarnations (well, at least the good ones anyway). How did he suddenly grow one now? Do you think a robot needs to eat? More likely than not, Bay and his crack staff probably thought to have a mouth to give the robot a little bit of humanity … but he’s a freakin’ CGI robot in a mindless action movie! Shoulda gave that “humanity” to the actual human actors in the film.
• The Matrix Reloaded … Again?
  The writers finally introduced The Matrix of Leadership, the Autobot talisman that is passed from leader to leader and gives its user immense power. One problem: they already messed up this piece of Transformer lore by calling it the All Spark Cube in the first movie. So, now, in the sequel, they rehash this plot device, having Sam once again inject the Matrix/Cube into Optimus to save the day. Um, if you’re not going to do it right the first time, try not to repeat yourself the second time around.